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02 February 2012 @ 04:56 pm
I was livid today. Seething. I started with a ridiculous amount of dull reading to do for classes that I couldn't possibly finish, even when attempting an all-nighter. In my morning class my teacher praised, Roxanne, who I have fallen radically out of favour with. This one teacher fucking loves her. It pisses me off, as she fucked our group over last semester, and manipulated her way out of work. After my first two classes someone in the student parking lot pulled off my wiper blade which I had to replace. Angry. Then I had the biggest waste of time Play Analysis class of my life. We basically summarized the entire play we already read last week. Sometimes, while at school, I can't believe I'm paying to be there. I have complaints stored up and can't wait until teacher evaluations take place so I can unleash them. There comes a point when people need to hear this stuff. The highlight of my day was when this boy in class admitted to me that he hadn't read the play he did a presentation on earlier in the week. It tickled me, as these teachers waste so much of our time, that it feels nice to stick it to them now and then. I know that sounds terrible. 

Things are going well with Kyle - the boy I met on the internet. I worry a bit about not being overly physically attracted to him, but I'm willing to give it a chance. I think we're going to meet halfway between our respective cities and see where things go. I told Bryan that I don't want things to be anywhere with us. That I don't want to date anyone. I am waiting until I move before that happens. I haven't heard from him since I said it. If he's mad, I don't care, as it is my life. I am seriously busy, and though lonely, I am not ready to date unless it means moving painfully slow. Kyle gets that. Bryan doesn't. Not that it matters.

I wish I had more money. Times are tough.
30 January 2012 @ 08:42 pm
I put myself on a dating site to curb feelings of loneliness. What I've really learned so far is that there are a lot of really unappealing men out there. Like terrible looking, zero grammar, and like NO sense of decorum or politeness. Don't get me wrong, I love a bad boy, but ignorance and blatant rudeness is just sad. I met a guy who is kind of strange looking and strange. He is really sweet and seems to like me. It's bizarre. I never thought I'd meet someone but who really knows if it'll work out or not. I am eternally skeptical. I have vowed to take this really slowly though, as I don't want to make the same mistakes I have in the past. I'm excited to make better choices and be more like the type of person I always wanted to be. These kind of actions make life less awful. I am not looking back from here on out. No more sleeping away my days. Life is too short do be sad and depressed all the time. Fuck it. I'm taking chances and doing something with my life.
27 January 2012 @ 10:00 pm
I am continually frustrated by this infatuation I have. I want constant communication, like some needy person. It's embarrassing. In this world I feel like women have to lower their standards to get what they want, then when they have it they realize they shouldn't have wanted it in the first place.

I confronted my crush about never really being there. About how his absence means we can't make any progress. He seemed apologetic though apathetic. It's likely I'll never be able to expect more from him than occasional flirtation that doesn't last. I don't really understand it. He mentioned that I intimidate him and render him speechless, though I suspect that he just doesn't really like me. I'd like to be liked by someone, though I feel isolated and things seem rather bleak. I'd like to find someone who just gets this basic stuff or who seems more into me.

Readings in Sociology confirm that people seem to date within their respective class and education levels. I think that is where Andrew and I diverge. We don't have the same friends and I have considerably more education than he does. This means I should stop looking for love among deadbeats and find a University grad or at least someone with ambitions that extend beyond those I've found in the past. I know it gets harder to meet someone as you get older and, for women, the more education you get the narrower your dating margin is--as men rarely date someone above them in terms of accomplishments. It's all a little sad, though I have been on a good track with myself. I've been exercising and feeling organized and together--putting on unusual, yet pretty outfits. This has been a really great year for me, no matter how much I complain. I know that things for me will continue to improve. Whether I find someone to share it all with or not. I suppose I just need a place to vent my frustrations.
23 January 2012 @ 06:51 pm
I don't like my neighbours. I like the inside of my apartment and it's proximity with regard to things but my neighbours are loud and irritating. The walls are paper thin and everyone hears every little sound. The men next door smoke and argue loudly. There is a man that walks by and spits, conjuring it up deeply from within, onto the hallway carpet. The child above me screams and wails at nearly every bump and bruise and her feet thud into the floor in quick annoying thumps.

My deep feelings of loneliness persist. I campaigned for a pen pal on Facebook but haven't felt any connections. I am no good at being alone. I want to meet someone and to be a part of something exciting but I hardly have any time at all for anything. All I do is read. It might be the worst semester of my life in terms of the sheer sedentary nature of the thing. I am going to exercise tonight. That'll help. I guess I feel hopeless. That no matter how much effort I put into improving my life and looks, no one will notice me. I feel very far removed from people. Even when I'm in a good mood I never get hit on. Everyone is moving forward but me. Finding lovers and having children. Getting married and forging onward. I used to feel, with Drew, like I could stop looking. I would breathe a sigh of relief that I had finally found someone kind and nurturing. But now I am lost and alone. All I have left is education. In it I hope to find something meaningful for myself and my future. As it is my only hope, I shouldn't complain so much about the time and effort it takes to achieve academic success. I should spend my time working and try to put myself out there whenever possible. Perhaps I could go to the movies by myself or maybe go out dancing occasionally. In the meantime I live vicariously through television shows. I know it sounds sad but I imagine meeting characters like Justin Chatwin in Shameless. Finding someone who thinks of me as their "dream girl." 
22 January 2012 @ 03:53 am
I am bored and tired with my life. I spend an inordinate amount of my spare time sleeping. It is actually fairly stupid, as I have a great deal of work ahead of me this semester. I feel passion for my subject in fits and starts. I feel confident and accepting of myself about the same. I am unable to maintain anything except for dysthymia. It doesn't upset me. I am getting used to myself. Occasionally I fantasize about suicide, slicing my arms to pieces and them climbing into bed and letting the blood seep into my white sheets--but I won't do it. I am far to afraid of succeeding, but not only that, I am afraid to even cut into my flesh at all. Any attempt at self inflicted death would just be for attention and nobody is close enough to me to discover me in time. I'd just get sick of waiting for someone to come along, and move onto something else, or I'd die. Either option is ridiculous.

I like a boy who is younger than me, but not by much. He doesn't really pay attention to me. He has his life and his interests and I have mine. We don't even live in the same city. I don't know who I'd be if I wasn't putting someone on or knocking someone off of a pedestal. It is just my way--though I don't take any of it very seriously. After being burned so badly, and so recently, I find it all rather trite and amusing. I am able to stay very level-headed and accept it as a part of life. I think all anyone really wants is to survive in this life and maybe find love or to transcend it all and find happiness. I don't know that I'll be able to do either for very long, but when I do it sure is nice. 

Lately I've been contemplating the utter failure of my DBT-skills group. I couldn't stand the way the material was conveyed. It was not explained to me in a way that could facilitate my needs at all. The entire process was a bring down. I don't know that I got anything out of the experience at all. If I had the money I'd read more about the theories and strategies on my own time and hopefully in a more academic and less dumbed-down context. Sometimes I wonder what has happened to the other group members. If anyone has died or got married--but I don't really care. I never wanted to be around any of them. I just wanted to like myself and live a better life neither of which have happened as a result of the sessions. 

Last night I was thinking about becoming a stripper to make money. I would do it if my parents were dead, but as they are not, I feel unable to. Word would inevitably get back to them and it would make them feel as if they had failed me or something. They would inevitably take it personally. And as I don't want to inflict pain on them, I cannot do it. Using sex appeal to do anything is easy though and it works. And in my area there is far more men per capita than women. I suppose I can use the same idea on a less overt scale through waitressing, though I am admittedly poor at it. Likely I will end up working the same dead-end summer job as last year. 

Right now I cannot sleep. Nights have provided havoc for me recently. I feel lonely, and left to my own devices, listless. It isn't good. I am attempting to use this as therapy, though I don't feel any better than when I started. I just want someone to talk to. Someone to hold or touch. Maybe once a week--or twice--on Friday and Saturday nights. I wonder if other people feel the same way and if there is a market here to exploit. Probably. My problem is that I only want people when I want them and when I don't I don't at all. I can pretend though. And I can make due. 
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
13 January 2012 @ 12:29 am
I want to start writing on here again though I don't exactly have a lot to say. I feel vacant and a little listless. Money has become a problem. Schooling and relationships are not. You take the good with the bad. I don't feel particularly passionate or upset or anything at all. It is the end of my week. Things are moving right along. My mind may still be wrapped in the Alice Munro we were to read for today. It left me feeling protective but funny in my stomach and envisioning my grandmother's house. I wish we were closer. I wish she would have responded to my letters. I wish for a lot of things that don't happen. No matter. She remains a fixture in my thoughts. I wonder how things would have been growing up if my family had been more open. If they'd spoke of tragedies or victories or shared anecdotes. In a sense I feel as if I've grown up inside a bubble, never truly knowing the ins and outs of what shaped me. When you're shy and an only child there is never really much discussion. I cried easily. That leads to silences. Any speaking was hushed, rushed, and one-on-one. It still is, I suppose--safe for the shallow talk that amounts to nothing at all.